How to Damage Your Relationship via Cellphone/laptop/ get the picture!

Okay, so let’s just cut to the chase…

1 – Bring your cellphone/laptop/ipad into bed all the time… no, not just for ‘work’ purposes, bring it with you to bed ALL the time!  It’s so important to see your Facebook newsfeed all the time, huh?  Explain to your honey why you can’t live without seeing how many likes you got on your picture, or the Facebook update you’ve been working on all day.  Instead of cuddling/sexing/rubbing your partner, keep your cell phone in your hand.  Instead of watching a movie or that television show your honey kept on the DVR just so you and him/her could watch it together, wait anxiously for that familiar ‘ding’ or vibration from someone commenting on a group post you’ve liked.  —– In no time, your honey will be either a) reaching out and touching themselves, b) falling so deeply asleep that by the time you attempt to wake them, they will be ready to kick you in the teeth for interrupting a steamy dream that doesn’t involve YOU, or c) they will find someone who is interested in cuddling/sexing/rubbing and all other good stuff <either while with you or after they’ve skipped out on the lease!>

2 – Send racy text messages to your coworker/an exlover/one of your significant other’s friends.  Ooooh baby!  Better yet, send pictures of your ‘womanly or manly goods’ to one of the before referenced people with comments like, “I want you so bad” or “I want to _____ you”.  To really cinch this one, create a special side account that your partner doesn’t know about to send these things to the object of your sinly desire.  For the icing on the cake, when your partner DOES in fact find out about your ‘private conversations’, get really, really angry with them!  Blame them for not having time to text you throughout the day, for your insecurities, for not making you believe it when they tell you how much they love and are still attracted to you, and most importantly…. GET ANGRY AT THEM FOR FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR MESSAGES! (how dare he/she get angry over your private exchanges?  you wouldn’t look in their phone/laptop!)  —- I’m sure your honey will suffer one or all of the following: a) a broken heart, b) a near heart attack or anxiety attack, c) a crisis of faith, d) they may just leave/divorce you and share with the judge your private messages as a means to dissove your attachment.  Now, you can do anything you want without realizing how your actions impact others!… isn’t this what you wanted?

3 – Post horrible Facebook/Twitter updates about how much you can’t stand your partner today, this week, or at all… Share intimate details on the things they do that irritate you the most.  Oh, and make sure you post negative comments on their wall so their parents/family/friends can see it too!!!  Constantly change your Facebook status from single to whatever type of relationship you are in or trying to get out of…  Yea, this should at the very least irritate him/her.

4 – When your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend contacts you on Facebook and your significant other smells not just a rat, but a KING/QUEEN RAT, tell them they’re trying to control you and your life and you don’t care how much it hurts them.  Yea, you might be having very innocent conversation with him/her, but when your ex starts to bring up sexual positions you used to enjoy from years ago, egg them on!  You know you like the attention!  and you know what?… there’s nothing ever wrong with talking about sex with your ex!  Right?  Your sweetie is blowing things out of proportion!  Your ex is only mentioning to you things THEY like to do with THEIR spouse…  and besides, it’s not like you’re going to have sex with them, right?  Maybe, you can just call each other, every once in a while, and talk really dirty about the things you used to do together and how you miss their ________________.  If your partner tells you, “How would you feel if I did this to you?”… Respond this way:  a) I don’t know whether or not you’re still in contact with your ex or not and I trust you enough not to sleep with them, b) I don’t know what you discuss with your friends and I’m not sure I want to know, you are supposed to have privacy, c) don’t answer!  Let them suffer for trying to hold on to you and your relationship!

5 – (For the males) Subscribe to EVERY version of ‘Big Booty Females’, Big Breast Females, Sexy Stars, I like Big Butts, I like Big Breasts and God knows whatever else is out there, on your Facebook page, so every time your significant other looks at their facebook page, they know this is what you’re viewing …and so do the friends in common you both have!  But don’t just stop there…oh no!  Make sure you post inappropriate comments on the pictures of females that you know!  For example, if a female friend on Facebook posts a picture of themselves in a nice outfit, make sure you comment, “Damn, you’re sexy”, or “Nice Lips”, or something about their physical person.  Now, make sure the comment is very salacious because as we all know, when you click Like or Comment on someone else’s pic on Facebook, everyone in your newsfeed can see it. Why am I mentioning this?  The goal is to embarass your girlfriend/wife!!!  right?!…  When you post these comments, especially on the page of people you know, it will make your significant other uncomfortable!… or, your upstanding female friends will be uncomfortable and will feel sorry for your girlfriend/wife and will wonder why your girlfriend/wife is with you in the first place… Embarassment!!!

6 – (Females Only) Post pictures of sexual positions, talk about sex on your newsfeed all the time with all of your male friends (especially the married ones!), post pictures of yourself in your nightclothes, etc, etc.  Send pictures of yourself to your married coworker (hey, you got to be hotter than his wife, right?… and after all, you’re not married to him so it’s HIM that’s doing the wrong, right?) and when your boyfriend/husband asks you about it and wants you to stop, you tell him, “You’re not there for me”, or “You don’t make me feel special”… in other words, put ALL THE BLAME ON HIM!  Tell him he works too much, or say something about his ‘manhood’, something that will tear him down and make him wonder how he ended up with you!  —-Don’t worry, he will likely either, a) serve you papers…by the end of the night, b) take the car he bought you back to the dealership and trade it in for what wants, or c) find something younger, hotter, sexier than you…hmmm…in some cases this could in fact be a car.

So here you go arsehole,…  surefire ways to severely damage and/or bring about the demise of your relationship and possibly cause long-term damage to someone’s ability to trust or love ever again…via Social Media and the Like.  Ugh…. To you I say, well…. I’m too much of a lady to say it here!

And to the Men/Women who are dealing with these types of people… to you I say… Prayer Works!————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Let me hear from you!  What are a few surefire ways to hurt someone or your relationship via technology?  Leave it in the comments!!!


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